Sadness

Today was super busy. 

Even my busiest days have moments in them that break me down.

Today I was at a picnic for IHH and Sammers explained to my friend Jill that his Meana was at the doctors and they are going to fix her up... then we are going to go get her. 

He went on and on telling her "we're gonna go get her when she's all better and her owies are fixed."

I AM SO EXHAUSTED!!

I just want Sam to have his sister back.  He thinks she is at the doctors... and that they will fix her and that she is COMING BACK!!  

His sweet little face is so convinced that he will be playing with her soon. 

The supper crappy thing is... he is going to be waiting his ENTIRE LIFE!  

She is not coming back. She's not. 

The pain is just too much sometimes. Too much! Why is this happening to our family????!!!

I'm so so so tired of not having her here. I'm emotionally drained and survive solely on photo's and videos of my girl.  I need some angels in my court right now.  Life is too difficult sometimes. 

As I was putting Jense to bed tonight it was his turn to say the prayer.  In his prayer he said, 

"Thank you so much for such a fun day"

"please bless that nothing else bad happens to our family because our Mia isn't here."

"We miss her so much and please bless she's having fun in heaven."

AGAIN- my heart is ripped out.  Jense prays about Mia every night, but the line, 

"please bless that nothing else bad happens to our family..." fills me up with despair.

My children shouldn't have to deal with so much sadness day after day.
Today has just been stupid.  I recognize my blessings... I am just tired of having to survive without her.  I'm truly not cut out for this.  My sweet children need their sister.

I will never tell Sammers that his Meena is not coming back in this lifetime.
It helps us keep her alive in our hearts that we are all waiting on her.
Waiting on the doctors to fix her owies so we can go pick her up.

Waiting does not take away the pain.

Kim

A few weeks back I had a splendid visitor.  One of my roomies from BYU came to visit me for my birthday! Not really, she was here for a wedding, but it was pretty much on my birthday.

Kim is one of my favorite people alive... no lie.
My life long friend that time does not create space between, despite her living across the country.
She is just one of those people who you always want to be around because of her infectious personality.  I have a theory about the name Kim.  All Kim's are fabulous.  I have yet to come across a Kim that I didn't adore.  It just goes with the name.  Try it... you can't think of a Kim that you don't love.  It's universal.
This theory has come up previously in my life and everyone loves Kims.    

We talked about difficult things (always have to get that out of the way now that my life is difficult) and then we redeemed our sad conversations with calling two of our roommates we haven't heard from sine BYU.  It was such a fun night remembering so many hilarious stories.  Remembering how fun it was to live together made me miss my previous life.  I can see so clearly my life in that apartment and how wonderful my future looked. There was nothing that was out of grasp.
Things have definitely changed.

I was one of Kim's bridesmaids and she sent me her wedding video when we were waiting for Mia'a heart.  Once I watched her video I posted the request for wedding videos.  I loved watching them. Hopefully I don't have any wedding videos still in my possession.

I love you Kim, and know next time I see you it will be just like it was at BYU.

Bike Shop/ Remembering Mia

Johnboy and the kids have a long standing tradition of "bike shop."  

Together they tune up their bikes or change the tires or pedals or seats.  It is more a less an hour or two of swapping parts and pumping up tires.  The other day I caught Sammers on a solo mission playing bike shop.  He had his tools and he would bang on the tires and move the wrench back and forth on the bolts.  I was just watching him work away... listening to his sweet voice saying, "do this... then, yep! fix this one... like that."  He makes my heart melt.  

He finally caught me taking pictures of him. 

This isn't really related, but after bike shop we went on a drive.  JB really wants to own an old school flat bed truck someday. 1950's or earlier. If he randomly sees one parked somewhere, he will seek out the owner and ask if it is for sale.  I asked him why he wants one so badly.  His reply was,  "I just want to haul stuff around in it."  fair enough.  He found a pretty awesome one that he frequently drives past just to look at from time to time.  If I'm in the car I hear him quietly say to himself  "there's my truck." He cracks me up.  He wants to get one and fix it up and apparently "haul stuff around in it."  He is all about fixing things up... from bikes to old trucks. :-)  I love that the kids love to be out with him fixing things.  Sammy has a hammer called, "fix it" which I'm pretty sure comes from a movie... but he knows it fixes things.

We have Mia's bikes in the garage and her little pink car.  Sometimes they will be out in the driveway and my heart sinks when I see them out there.  I just want to her hear her soft voice, and see her sweet little body riding her bike.  I miss that girl and it feels like I miss her more and more every day.  Is there a point where I will max out and combust? I just need her.  I'm trying to keep my blog going with all of our family memories, but my heart just wants to pour out all of the sadness I feel.  I am sad.  I am hurt. I want my baby girl and I will always want her.  Living with intense grief is not working out for me.  I just want to see her and hold her and talk to her and snuggle her and hold her hand, and give her kisses.  This mama's heart is so broken.  Must we all live our lives without her?  It is just so unfair and mean.

Today I was remembering all of her goofy noises she made.  She had her happy scream yes, but she was also big into snorting, and sucking air into her lungs loudly making her voice crack, squealing with happiness. She made so many happy noises and sometimes I will hear Sammy in another room and he sounds just like her.  I miss you so much today little girl.  The kids pray every single night that you are "having fun in heaven."  Watching my other children miss her is like how I imagine it would feel to remove daggers from my body... it hurts a lot!  At least there would be relief when the daggers are out.  My daggers crop up everyday and often remain inplace tormenting me.  Today would be a good day for some sort of indication that she is having fun.  We all just miss her so much! 

Smiley Creek

For Mother's Day weekend we drove up to beautiful Idaho to Smiley Creek for the weekend.
The Jones family has a cabin up there, and we were excited to get away for the weekend.

It was a beautiful drive and we made a pit stop at a place called "the gold mine."  

The Lodge wasn't open, but that didn't stop us from taking pictures outside.  The sawtooth mountains look very much like a sawtooth... but I kept calling them "Shaaaarptooth" from land before time.  That show has always made me cry.  

The very very best part of the cabin is "The PIT" 

Next to the fireplace is an actual pit filled with blankets and pillows. 

The kids jumped into the pit non stop.  Sammers got a little wild and started jumping on people who were innocently sitting in the pit.  He was a wild man when it came to the pit.
Ok, ok... he is wild every minute of every day. 

The kids wanted me to take pictures of their stunts going into the pit.  

I love Sammers little body high in the air.  

Maya did Ellie's hair... and mine. 

Jense found a new instrument... his leg.

Chris played an actual instrument... his guitar while simultaneously entertaining Sammer.

We made a trek up to the hot pots, but when we got there the river was too high and the scorching hot water went straight into the freezing water.  I still can't believe that the water comes out of the ground that hot. Sammers threw some rocks while he had the chance. 

We also spent a lot of time playing "pig."  I'm not sure why it's called "pig", but it involves sticks, an empty soda can, and holes in the dirt.  We laughed a lot playing this game.
Ells was surprisingly good at pig... me? not so much.     

Just in case you wanted to see my awesome outfit.  We had our hair in crazy buns... my buns were in in a mohawk... but they fell due to the amount of running around like crazy. 

Jense was all about the fire in the evenings.  He started his own fire a couple of times.

Ells and Brookie sleepin' in the pit.  I'm positive this is the sweetest picture ever. 

I'm glad Ells has these two girls to love her.  She needs as much love as she can get!

I like the word sundries.  

Treats in the car

JB slept in the pit for a long long time. 

He slept through the family wrestling match.  Every single day of my life is wrestling match day with Sammers.  My new name is jungle gym.  He just wants to be climbing and jumping on me at all times.  Luckily I got him to snuggle for a few minutes.

Playin' in the the fort. 

Sam wants to wear is dino jammies every day.  He has gone through a stretch of several months insisting they go back on right after he gets dressed for the day.  He has Dino's and firetrucks that we rotate.  It is going to get really hot pretty soon so we'll have to hide the jammies. 

Ells Cleaned house a little bit.  On a rare occasion she is super organized! :-)

Kids watching for "flying squirrels " Still not convinced this isn't the same as snipe hunting, but all the kids fell asleep waiting for the alleged squirrels to fly in. 

Yep, JB can do a toe touch... an almost toe touch.  

He finally proved to Chris and Weesie that he's got skills.
Makes me laugh every time I see him do a toe touch!

Mama's and kiddos.  I wish my little girl was in this picture!  She loves the water. 

We managed to pry the jammies off of him. :-)

We Celebrated birthdays, enjoyed the fire, played pig, relaxed, ate delicious food, celebrated mother's day, had some orange peel wars, snuggled, and most of all laughed a lot.  

Lots and lots of laughing!

On mother's day we were spoiled with lots of little gifts and ate banana coconut pancakes.  The syrup is to die for.  I am not a pancake person, but you drizzle this syrup on anything and I'll eat it.  My friend Julie introduced me to the yummiest pancakes on the planet.  

Now my kids think it should be an every other day breakfast.  So yummy! 

Thank you so much "Hones" family for inviting us to your beautiful cabin! It was the first weekend that I didn't spend everyday crying for awhile.  It was a beautiful distraction. We loved it!

Also, thanks for most of these pictures! :-)

Worker Boy

Jense walked in the door a month ago and proudly announced:

"Mom! i got a job... a real job."

I knew he was outside with JB, so I figured John had "hired" him to do something. 

He got a real job... not from his dad.

One of our neighbors asked him to mow his lawn.
His first question of his need carrer was:
"Sooo do I call him Phil or do I call him boss?"

Jense being the little worker that he is jumped at the chance and is feeling pretty awesome that he has his first official jobby job. 

He's quite the little mower if any of you locals need your lawn mowed.  

A few weeks after he was hired to mow the lawn, he got another job from the same man. 

He asked him to turn the water on and off on his fields.  Here he is in action turning off the water. He is a regular old farming boy now.  

My parents who are well versed in watering and moving pipe have to be proud of this boy.  

He has to walk a ways to get to the other sprinklers... have I mentioned the beauty of where I live? 

It is just so beautiful here. 

While the boys were off tending to the pipes Ells spent her time playing on the gate. 

She kept requesting pictures of her standing "like this."

You can't really tell but these two pictures are separate poses.  

She can be such a goof! 

Hopefully Jense gets to do this for many summers to come.  

He is so excited he has a job and plans to save his money to buy a 4 wheeler.  

He can't get enough of motorized toys. 

Girls of my heart

I recognize I am posting this right after the life hijacked post.

Despite death owning me... I do have piece of my life where I leave the grief briefly.

I absolutely love the young women in my ward.  I work with the Laurels and they are happiness.

They make me smile and I wish I could keep them all in high school for another five years. 

I Just love them and wanted to make a quick note that there are moments in my life I feel happy. 

My children, my husband, and these girls are sunshine.  Ok, of course the list is much longer, but today I am grateful I am their leader.  I think about them often and just wish I could keep them from  all the heartache life can sometimes throw at us.  A lot of heartache in my case. 

The time I spend with these girls allows me to recognize that I still might have a lot to offer others.

The picture is from a few months back.. their dance was fabulous.  

We are gearing up for girl's camp and I can't wait.  

I'm pretty sure girl's camp is going to be the highlight of my year!

Life Hijacked

Today I feel like my life has been hijacked. 

Death owns my life.

Death owns me. 

My daughters return to heaven owns my thoughts.

Yesterday I could not stop reliving her last days in Florida.
The series of events leading to her death is an awful plague that haunts me daily.

Her death holds me prisoner.

I cling to to the life I had when I had her here.
The happiest of lives.

I just want to go back... and can't seem to move forward even a little without her.

Jensen's birthday post... nine months late, but coming soon. 

I'm getting old

My b-day was last month.  

John made me a super ultra delicious triple chocolate cake... it was better than Costco in my opinion.  He made a practice cake the night before my birthday to make sure it was tasty.

-p.s. I get tired of pictures in color...different B&W conversions are what I choose today. :-)

Sammers tried and tried to blow out the candles... he makes my heart happy- that one. 

He finally succeeded and I hope he gets his wish.  

I know it will be a long time before my wish comes true.  Stupid.

Which is why I no longer am afraid of birthdays... bring them on.  

On my actual birthday we had dinner and the super delicious cake at my sister Raegan's house.
Thanks Rae! You are the Beeeest!

Sammers had another shot at blowing out the candles... look at his perfect little face.
The swirl on his head is an added bonus.
I could eat him up instead of the cake!

He loved all of his gifts! Again, this little boy saves my heart every day.
Thanks to all of my family for their sweet gifts!
The gift Sammers is holding in the pic is a super thoughtful gift from my mom.  She asked Mia's preschool teachers to write down memories of Mia.  She put all of the cards in a sheet protector.  It was sweet to read about my little girl.  Thanks mom! That was super sweet!
It's nice to hear from others just how special of girl Mia is.  She really really is.  The sweetest.

Ells had this brilliant idea to shove cake in my face for my birthday.  I guess she had been plotting it out with her dad for days.  I felt like garbage on my birthday... you can tell huh?

I definitely wasn't ready for the cake smashing, and played it off like it was funny, but I did enjoy Ellie's reaction. 

This face says it all!

A birthday, I don't feel so great "nuggle" with aunt Nats.
Everyone needs a sister... or five like me :-)

The only thing missing from this nuggle is a little 4 year old blondie!

She loved being the middle of the sandwich.  I must admit (you have mostly likely already figured out) that I did have a pity party on my birthday.
Holidays/mother's day/birthdays/Christmas... they will always be lacking.  I just want my daughter!

"Weesie" had a little get together for my birthday with some friends in the ward.  It was a fun evening!  The Ice cream Sundays were delicious!!

I also got to see some of my girl friends from Washington a few weeks after my birthday.  no pic.

A week after my birthday my Valley friends surprised Cha (Shaw) and I with a birthday dinner.  

It was a fun night and I love love all of my gifts! I have such good friends!

Nat was the best surprise of the evening.
Lilly contacted her on the sly and I loved having her there!

When she got there we had to take a pic because we were matchy matchy. 

This is a clip of them practicing the surprise.  

They are so fun and so goofy... just my style!

I also got a lot of gifties in the mail.  I guess when you are the mother of the little girl that went to Heaven on her make a wish trip people really want to love you up.
One of my fav's was a big basket... for my bike.  Thanks Rebecca!!

Thank you so much for the cards and cute things I got in the mail.  I feel spoiled and know I will never be able to respond in kind to all of the generosity that has been so abundantly given to me.
Thank you!!

One of my favorite gifts was from a dear friend Mauri.  She is one of my heart moms that I get together with outside of heart mommy events.  I truly enjoy her company!  I was visiting her at the hospital when her little girl had just had surgery.  I walked into DJ's room and saw her there with all the drains and craziness and her little body looked so much like Mia's. My knees almost buckled.  I steadied my footing and proceeded with a resolve not to cry.  As I was talking to Mauri all of my thoughts were "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."  I did pretty good.  It was like I was visiting my life, but it wasn't my life anymore.  I don't know how to describe it other than it was really bizarre... almost as if someone had stolen my life.  She is not my daughter, but everything felt so familiar and it was not long ago that I was there with my Mia.  I would give anything to be back in a recovery room with my daughter... anything!!

I took a quick glance at the monitors and immediately knew what everything meant.  
Her surgery went so well, and I am so happy for them!
We visited for awhile, and before I left she gave me this book as a birthday gift.

I read it there in DJ's hospital room. AGAIN, I had to convince myself, "don't cry... don't cry... don't cry" as I turned the pages. It's about a little dancing mouse named Mimi.  So great.


Here is a page from the book-

Mauri, you have my heart! You and that little girl of yours.
Thank you for the birthday gift and for believing that I will pick my self up with a smile and continue dancing.  It is a cute book, and my kiddos like it too.

Besides the underlying sadness of desperately wanting my daughter back, my birthday(s) was full of love!  I definitely can't complain about not having a lot of wonderful people in my life. If only we could get back that one vital piece that is missing... I would never need any future celebrations/gifts... ever!