Dec 12, 2012

Last Time


Last time we drove to Washington all of my kids were in the car
I took this picture with my cell phone when we made a stop at the Boise temple. 
All of the kids were excited to see the temple.  
I can still remember clear as day, handing Mia her snacks... and giving her her meds. 
After she put her meds in her mouth she always had a very excited look on her face because she knew she would always receive enthusiastic praise for doing it herself.   

Today we stopped at a gas station that we did this past summer.  
I distinctly remember sitting there with my Meena trying to get her to eat. 
I made little meat and cheese and bread bites for her-
This particular stop is in Eden, Idaho. 
There is a little Oasis in the middle of the gas station. 
I think it might actually be called the Oasis... but I'm not positive. 
Mia loved it... there is a big pretend snake in the tree!  
I remember being happy.

I remember taking her into that very restroom to go potty.
Today I went into the restroom and just cried. 
Every time I turn a corner I get stabbed in the heart. 
I am not safe even in Idaho.

Why is she not here?
My life feels so wrong without her.  

I want to turn around and see her face and hear her voice. 
Everyone is asleep and I am wide awake... like usual.  
I just can't believe we are driving back to Washington without her. 

It doesn't feel right and it certainly doesn't feel good. 
Her little body should be right there... in her car seat.
I want to hand her things and grab and tickle her toes. 
I want to go back to happiness. 
I don't want every single day of my life to feel like I'm being punished. 
I hate it!!!

The kids threw pennies into the waterfall in the store.
Ellie said, "Let's make a wish for Mia!"
I went and stood next to a display of small model cars. 
I bet many of those cars are the ones that were there last time we were in that store. 

I wish I could time travel back to the last time we were in Eden, Idaho.
I would grab a hold of my girl and not let her go.
I wouldn't not let her out of my sight.