Dec 5, 2012

Masking the pain

Last night I had a relatively "normal" evening.  
There was a lot of commotion to distract me.

There are a few things I have found that can "mask" the crippling sadness for a while. 

The kids- they are funny, and cute, and if it weren't for them... well let's just say I would probably be curled up in the fetal position all day everyday.  They are beautiful little slices of John and I that are undeniably a huge blessings to us.  

Two: certain songs.  Music is transcending.  There are a few songs I can listen to that put me in an entirely different realm than the one I am forced to live in.  That is the beauty if music... you can be in a different world, innocent to the sting of your life until the song ends. I am so glad I can escape with music... into a trancelike disassociation from my pain.    

Three:  Brian Regan.  Plain and simple.  I think he is a genius.  I love to quote him and do often.  When I am exhausted from crying I sometimes sprint to my screen, turn on netflix and escape to his  hilarious yet clean humor.  I just think everything that comes out of his mouth is hilarious... and don't get me started on his facial expressions.  His sayings are common place in our lingo.  If he could put another "act" or DVD on netflix that would really help out.  
I don't know why, but he just never gets old.  

Four: Insane amounts of chocolate.  Just kidding, I need to put the breaks on my eat as much as I want plan. There were two days a few weeks back that my diet was 100% chocolate.  It's nauseating now, and it wasn't intentional, but stuffing my face with chocolate trying to fill an un-fillable void has not done me any favors.  I didn't gain anything from the mass consumption of chocolate, accept for 10 lbs and an unearthing of my large pants. 

Five:  A good foot rub.  I don't know much about reflexology, but I do know that I will never ever refuse a foot rub, or back rub, or scalp massage.  All good things that provide moments of feeling happy thoughts.  Now if the nerve endings in my heart could be addressed.  

Six: Being around funny people... or high energy people. 
I have some friends I like to refer to as the "valley girls" because they all live in Orem.  OK, one is in Lehi.  They are the bunch I was with last night and they are fun and funny and are a good distraction.  For the last couple of months they have come to my house to clean and organize.  While they are cleaning they entertain me as well.  A few weeks back I was lying comatose on my bed and one of my friends started belting out the song, "there's always gonna be another mountain" by Miley Cyrus.  I immediately started to feel my spirits rise.  Then another joined in only she was completely off tune and was drowning out my other friend's beautiful voice.  I couldn't help but laugh... a lot.  I am sure they both have lovely voices, but my friend who was screeching and butchering the song was completely cracking me up.  Both of them together singing and on occasion walking in and out serenading me... it was hilarious.  The song choice was the best part.  The way they sang it was awesomely insincere and they were just playing along with my MEH attitude about everything. Perhaps I am not describing it well enough, but there I was staring at the wall and they bust into song... and a Miley Cyrus song to boot.  It couldn't get more entertaining.  They call themselves my "merry maids."   I call them "merry misses."  I look forward to their weekly visits and honestly truly appreciate them.  a lot.  They've got jokes.  I get really funny texts from them that make me laugh.  During all of November Lilly (one of the merry misses, and my video lady mind you) texted me every single day things that she is NOT grateful for.  Her ingratitude November was hilarious and I wish I would have saved them so I could share her annoyances, or funny things in her life.  They understand where I am and support and love me and try to lift me out of the swamps but they aren't afraid to splash around the swamps with me from time to time.  We also have spent some time with a family that could rival us in goofiness and they have provided much needed respite from our perpetual MEH.  I will blog about them more later.

Seven:  Family and friends even the calm ones.  My sister was with me last night and she helped me pick out a tree and ornaments for the cemetery.  Who picks out trees for the cemetery?   I do.  I'm just so grateful I don't have to do things like that by myself.  What I thought was twenty minutes was actually hours we spent together.  I am lucky to have sisters, sister in law, and friends who might as well be sisters in my life.  I have friends who moved here from Washington that come visit on a regular basis.  Calls and texts trying to make me laugh, and I do truly feel support from many of you long distance friends.  On the days I visit with you I cry less.

Last is Sleeping:  Sometimes I don't remember anything about my dreams... at all.  Some nights I get to see Mia in my dreams.  I dream she is still here and life hasn't changed one bit.  It is a feeling of ecstasy in my sleep that I don't think I will ever feel again while awake.  It's nice to escape sometimes and see her charge into my room and see her smiling face.  I wish I could transfer my dreams into a video so I could watch her over and over.  I wake up and promptly get Sam up, then eat chocolate and watch Brian Regan like I have a major problem.  I do have a major problem and sometimes it is easier to mask the pain than stew in it all day long.  

I get to see my daughter in my dreams... can you imagine for one second how radically altered you would be?  Only seeing your child while sleeping?  Even just try for a second to imagine that your daughter (if you have one) is not available to you.  It's unthinkable right?  impossible?  yes.  it is.  You can't truly put yourself in my shoes unless you've lived it yourself.  In the back of your mind you will always know that it isn't real... and that your children are safely down the hall or right in front of you.  Even if you hold the unimaginable thought for a few seconds, the relief of knowing the truth creeps in and you take a big breath, shake off that disturbing feeling,  and move about your day.... grateful it is not you. 

I don't get to do that.