Well, we survived Christmas... somehow. It went as well as it could have, and I am just glad it is over. Usually I am sad when Christmas is over, but this year, this year I am relieved. Relieved that I don't have to anticipate a Christmas morning without my girl. Relieved that I don't have to try an be excited about something when I am not. Christmas is over and now I can get back to the task at hand. Managing my life while feeling incapable of pretty much everything.
There were some bright spots these last two weeks. I will get to them eventually... hopefully.
John gave me some really sweet gifts. I told him a month ago that I did not want anything. I still don't want anything, but I guess he has been looking for this gift for years. When Mia was born he started looking for this gift. I will expound later.
He did give me something else in addition to his unique gift... something I love.
When JB and I were dating he pulled out all the stops to win this heart of mine. He was incredibly romantic and it was really easy to fall in love with him. I actually tried hard not to love him. It was a fools errand. I held out pretty strong for a few years, but in the end I couldn't. John had won my heart when I was 18, but I needed a few years to admit it.
He used to find my car on campus and put parking citation envelopes underneath my windshield wiper. My heart always sank when I saw those envelopes because I was a frequent campus police citation recipient. Sometimes when you are late to take a test you just have to roll the dice, park the closest you can, and let the cards fall where they may. He would take my empty envelopes and create his own citations and put them on my windshield. I can still feel the wave of relief I felt when I opened the envelop to reveal a citation written by John. His citations were so sweet and made me feel so loved. Although he usually got in trouble for making me believe I was actually getting a ticket, he was quickly forgiven for being so sweet. He did a lot of sweet things, and had a lot of help from something we lovingly called the "stalker net." The place we attended college had a program allowing any student to look up any student's schedule enabling anyone to know exactly where someone is at all times. The college changed this after we left, but the SN added an extra exciting element to marshmallow madness. I'm pretty sure he used his access to find out where I might be parked, or what class I was in.
He is such a romantic .. another one that comes to mind is how he would write me a lot of love letters. I kept all of the letters... they are in the garage. I remember practicing the harp in a little closet in the music building and he would slide love notes underneath the door. This was before cell phones, well, before we had cell phones, and I wonder if he ever slid a note through and it was not me on the other side. I tried to catch him a few times, but he was too fast. I must mention that he still write me love letters. He doesn't give me tickets, but the letters remain.
Another thing he did... I could keep typing forever, but I will end with this one. John would sing to me. Not the goofy, soliciting laughter serenading that he does now, but true gooey, lovey dovey, crazy cheesy, looking into my eyes singing. I loved it. I think this was my downfall... I told him I would not be getting married before I went on a mission, and I blame his singing for preventing me from making it on a mission. It was cheesiness at it's finest and I ate it up... every last drop.
There were quite a few songs he would sing to me, but the one I loved the most was this song. I loved it. He would change "Ellie" to "Mimi" and well that completely did it for me. This song is the reason we named Ellie... Ellie. It was a sentimental song, and this song is a big part of our past.
The entire album pretty much defines our first year of dating. This song in particular made my heart sing, and I loved when he sang it to me. There have been a few other songs that make my heart melt when he sings to me. His usual serenades are for laughing purposes, so when he sings to me and doesn't change the words or act goofy it is a special treat. He can be serious.
Christmas night he sang to me. It was lovely. I was tired, broken hearted, and ready to just sleep and make Christmas without my girl a memory. My favorite part of the day was when he sang me this song:
I love the lyrics, I love that this is the song he chose to sing to me, and I especially love his voice. After he was done singing it the first time, he humored (after repeated requests) me with an encore. I fell asleep immediately after the second song, and slept soundly. He made me feel so loved, even if for a few minutes.
My husband knows me, and knows what I need.
It seems like a life time between when he first sang to me, and this song... about not giving up. It feels like a lifetime but it has only been 13 years.
So much is missing in my life... so much wrapped up into one little person. With all that is missing I do still have so much. The skies are definitely rough around here, and I still feel broken most of my day. This is what the last few minutes of my Christmas looked like. It was time warp back to when I first fell in love with JB, and it was a lovely memory and one I will not forget.